crushcrushcrush

"Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone
Just the one, two I was just counting on
That never happens
I guess I'm dreaming again
Let's be more than this..."

The title of one of my favorite songs from Paramore & a good way to start off saying what's goin on in this heart of mine. Somethin close to love & it has me staring off into space at times with a silly smile on my face..... I haven't felt this way about someone in awhile....like, have true, deep feelings for someone. It's as tho somethin that has been asleep inside of me is finally being awaken by this wonderful person that I can't get out of my thoughts.

I'm lovestruck...

| P S |

I overthink things too much. I know this. I hate it. I wish I didn't do it. I think it comes with having your heart broken one too many times & bein so apprehensive about trusting anyone, most notably, men. But I don't know....my heart is tellin me this time it's different. 10 yrs.....lol.....I dated him when I was 15. For the past 10 yrs, I asked a couple of my old classmates if they had heard of him, knew how he was.....nothing. Until a few months ago, he found me on Facebook....

We talk almost everyday... Everyday I feel a little more & I want to say he does to. It's in the things he says & how he speaks to me, that I can just tell. I want to be rational. I don't want to get so caught up in my feelings that I lose sight of what it really is. But is it so wrong for me to WANT to be with him? To WANT to wake up everyday to the sight of his smiling face? To WANT to share my life with someone as sweet & wonderful as him?

Patience has never been one of my strongest attributes. But I believe that all good things happen in due time. So I'm taking it one day a time, seeing what happens. Doesn't help that I no longer live in the same vicinity as he does. I'm in another state now. *sigh*

There's a very small part of me that's trying to be negative but.......for some reason, I can't give in to it. Something is just tellin me that this could be different. That HE could be different. It's not as though I don't know what kind of person he is. If anything, he's become a better person than the one I knew 10 yrs ago.

I feel like I'm sitting in the waiting room of a hospital & I'm waiting for good news.....or bad news... The patient is my heart & apparently, I'm being told that all I can do.....is wait...

| P S |

I'm sooooo tired. & I have been for the past few nites. I toss & turn. I have these crazy ass dreams of people hunting me down & trying to kill me. My dreams make no sense but then again, when do they? Yes, I watch horror movies & I love gore & all that good dark stuff but I haven't watched anything lately that could send me into sleep, having nightmares. It's frustrating & to top it off, lately, I haven't been writing anything that I feel is worth posting. I'm going into a writer's depression here...(lol)

Aside from that though... I guess I'm ok. No major drama. Still have the headaches of tryin to keep my head above water & dealing with my mother's nagging. But I've come to terms with that. I deal with it by working my tail off until, hopefully, somethin gives with this crazy economy.

Guy drama? Nope, don't have any. Which I guess is a good thing. Do I miss the companionship? Yes. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Don't get it twisted. I talk to a couple guys but nothin has come of it & I doubt anything will.

It's funny tho because I came into this year with a positive outlook. I said, '2008 is gonna be my year.'.......... It definitely brought a lot to the table...(lol). I had to learn a lot about men, about myself & what is it I really want out of my relations with people. The year is coming to a close now & I feel......at peace with myself. It's weird. But it feels good. I always had that feeling of not wanting to feel alone. So I was always settling. Settling for men who couldn't or wouldn't commit. Only offering me their bodies & not their hearts.

So will I say this New Year's Eve, that 2009 is gonna be a better year? Yea...(lol) Of course, there will probably be some of the same ole' same. But if I stopped striving for better with each passing year, I just wouldn't be ME...

P S

Writer's block...

This has been my obstacle these past few days. It has sucked. Even as I'm writing this, it's just kind of spilling out. I don't know what's comin next or if anything is comin next, at all...

...........

| P S |