My other half...

"You love me
You complete me
You hold my heart in your hands
And its okay cause i trust that
You'll be the best man that you can..."

Things have definitely changed for me since the last time I wrote. I am happy to say that I'm in a relationship now. E. makes me very happy. Even though I was very hesitant at first to pursue anything & at one point, I even contemplated just giving up altogether. But some good advice from a good friend helped to give me the push I needed to just open my heart & mind to somethin new.

The past is the past. Sometimes it's hard because you go thru so much that it takes awhile for your heart to mend & for your mind to be free & clear of any negativity. There are things that leave permanent scars that no amount of time can heal. Forever a part of you, there are just some things that can't be forgotten because it was those things that made you who you are now...

| P S |

crushcrushcrush

"Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone
Just the one, two I was just counting on
That never happens
I guess I'm dreaming again
Let's be more than this..."

The title of one of my favorite songs from Paramore & a good way to start off saying what's goin on in this heart of mine. Somethin close to love & it has me staring off into space at times with a silly smile on my face..... I haven't felt this way about someone in awhile....like, have true, deep feelings for someone. It's as tho somethin that has been asleep inside of me is finally being awaken by this wonderful person that I can't get out of my thoughts.

I'm lovestruck...

| P S |

I overthink things too much. I know this. I hate it. I wish I didn't do it. I think it comes with having your heart broken one too many times & bein so apprehensive about trusting anyone, most notably, men. But I don't know....my heart is tellin me this time it's different. 10 yrs.....lol.....I dated him when I was 15. For the past 10 yrs, I asked a couple of my old classmates if they had heard of him, knew how he was.....nothing. Until a few months ago, he found me on Facebook....

We talk almost everyday... Everyday I feel a little more & I want to say he does to. It's in the things he says & how he speaks to me, that I can just tell. I want to be rational. I don't want to get so caught up in my feelings that I lose sight of what it really is. But is it so wrong for me to WANT to be with him? To WANT to wake up everyday to the sight of his smiling face? To WANT to share my life with someone as sweet & wonderful as him?

Patience has never been one of my strongest attributes. But I believe that all good things happen in due time. So I'm taking it one day a time, seeing what happens. Doesn't help that I no longer live in the same vicinity as he does. I'm in another state now. *sigh*

There's a very small part of me that's trying to be negative but.......for some reason, I can't give in to it. Something is just tellin me that this could be different. That HE could be different. It's not as though I don't know what kind of person he is. If anything, he's become a better person than the one I knew 10 yrs ago.

I feel like I'm sitting in the waiting room of a hospital & I'm waiting for good news.....or bad news... The patient is my heart & apparently, I'm being told that all I can do.....is wait...

| P S |

I'm sooooo tired. & I have been for the past few nites. I toss & turn. I have these crazy ass dreams of people hunting me down & trying to kill me. My dreams make no sense but then again, when do they? Yes, I watch horror movies & I love gore & all that good dark stuff but I haven't watched anything lately that could send me into sleep, having nightmares. It's frustrating & to top it off, lately, I haven't been writing anything that I feel is worth posting. I'm going into a writer's depression here...(lol)

Aside from that though... I guess I'm ok. No major drama. Still have the headaches of tryin to keep my head above water & dealing with my mother's nagging. But I've come to terms with that. I deal with it by working my tail off until, hopefully, somethin gives with this crazy economy.

Guy drama? Nope, don't have any. Which I guess is a good thing. Do I miss the companionship? Yes. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Don't get it twisted. I talk to a couple guys but nothin has come of it & I doubt anything will.

It's funny tho because I came into this year with a positive outlook. I said, '2008 is gonna be my year.'.......... It definitely brought a lot to the table...(lol). I had to learn a lot about men, about myself & what is it I really want out of my relations with people. The year is coming to a close now & I feel......at peace with myself. It's weird. But it feels good. I always had that feeling of not wanting to feel alone. So I was always settling. Settling for men who couldn't or wouldn't commit. Only offering me their bodies & not their hearts.

So will I say this New Year's Eve, that 2009 is gonna be a better year? Yea...(lol) Of course, there will probably be some of the same ole' same. But if I stopped striving for better with each passing year, I just wouldn't be ME...

P S

Writer's block...

This has been my obstacle these past few days. It has sucked. Even as I'm writing this, it's just kind of spilling out. I don't know what's comin next or if anything is comin next, at all...

...........

| P S |

Untitled... (poem)

I see you in my dreams
I can never see your face clearly
I don't know your name because
well...
We never got the chance to meet

I know you're wondering why is that
& that's probably why you come to me in my dreams

I wake up with a sense of missing you
Night after night
Tear-stained pillows remind me of sleepless nights

Sadness creeps in when I realize that the only time I'll ever get to see you
Is in my dreams
In my thoughts
Where I can hold you in my arms
& pretend you never left me

I can barely see right now as I write this
There's a knot in my throat
The pain in my heart will never go away
I never wanted to say goodbye
Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do

But I know you're in a better place now
& whenever I miss you
I know just where to find you

In my dreams
In my thoughts
Where I can hold you in my arms...

| P S |

Party like it's 1983...

It was a very good weekend that began on Thurs nite for me...(lol) Partying with the Sigma's @ Finnegan's & going to work Friday morning, feelin like I had gotten just one hour of sleep. That day felt like such a long one. Went home & took a nap. One of my girl friend's then hit me up later that nite, inviting me to go out with her & some guy friends of her's that were visiting from out of town. So we decided to hit up this club called, Elements, which is hot. They have 6 VIP rooms, each representing an element. These guys decided to get VIP & we wound up in the Earth element which was a room, highlighted with green lights & white velvety seat's. They ordered two bottles; Hennessey & Grey Goose. We had our own waitress who made our drinks & also brought us anything we wanted from the bar. Overall, it was a really good nite. I had a lot of fun & it felt good to have the luxury of not having to pay for anything that nite. (lol) Saturday, I went to see Saw V... Won't ruin it for anyone who read's this & hasn't watched it.

After 2 nites in a row of partying, my body needed a break so I just took it easy today & just enjoyed the day. My roommate & I always get these crazy ideas to take silly pictures or make stupid video's whenever we're havin a few drinks in the house. I was laughing so hard, I seriously thought I was gonna have an asthma attack...(lol)

But it's back to work tomorrow for me so i'm gonna kick back & enjoy my "me time" while I have it... Till tomorrow...

P S

Memories...

I have to admit... Catching up with old friends is the best. Sharing memories from high school are the highlight. The years when you're trying to figure out who you are, having crushes &/or being crushed on, being rebellious & skipping class every now & then, writing letters & passing them during class like it was your job...lol. Ahhh...gotta miss it...

Ok so maybe those are things that I did. (lol) It was still a crazy, roller coaster ride of 4 years for me. Not only was I dealing with family issues & the stresses of homework & teachers but I also had the boyfriend issues. One in particular that I'll always remember. The only Caucasian male I've ever dated. (At least so far in my lifetime.) We've recently got in touch again & have been talking for almost 2 months now & finding out that so much as changed since high school. In a good way, thankfully...

Of course we've been doin the whole reminiscing thing & it's cute... He's cute... He thinks I'm still cute... We've made plans to see each other again, do dinner, drinks & just enjoy each other's company. There's of course that unspoken, "should we make up for lost time" question that's lingering between us. I know this based on our most recent conversations...

I can't help but feel excited tho. It's always nice to see an old friend, especially one that takes up a lot of my good memories. I'm known for thinkin with my heart & not my mind but I've gotten better with being more realistic when it comes to certain ppl & things...

But just this once, I'll allow myself to reminisce & smile for no reason & feel like the giddy high school girl I used to feel like years ago...

| P S |

A Year Ago Today... (Poem)

A year ago today you looked at me & promised it would happen in due time. I wanted to believe you. As much as my heart told me that there was no truth in your words, I was captivated by the way you spoke to me & the warmth in your eyes. Whenever I was around you, all I wanted to do was wrap myself around you. Perfect synchronization in the bedroom is what kept our passion for one another, alive. Promises of a better tomorrow are what kept me waiting. Waiting for the day you would claim me & I could absorb every bit of you, every day, for as long as we could make it last. The minute you would leave my side, it seemed reality would come crashing down around me.

I tried to ignore it. But I might as well have found a random number in your coat pocket with the way you were so blatant about your love for women. One was never enough. What was it?, I would wonder. What else have I not given you that SHE already has? I kept telling myself that it didn't matter. Tried to make excuses for your behaviors & find reasons to justify your actions. It didn't help nor make it any better.

Late night phone calls. Disappearing at odd times of the night. I would even watch as you would oh so casually kiss your “friends” on the cheek & then whisper something quickly in their ear as you so often would do to me. And then I would watch that same smile creep across their faces & know in my heart, it was all a game to you. A man who couldn't keep his hands out of the cookie jar, your words lacked sincerity. It was then that I knew I couldn't continue to be blind to the obvious. My love for you had become a joke.

A year ago today, I let you go & closed the door on my hopes & dreams of a future with you. Trust would not come easy to me in the days to come & honesty would become a thing of the past. You've changed me. I'm the female version of you now. And every now & then, one of my “friends” finds that random number in my coat pocket & has to ask himself whether he should stay...or go....

| P S |

@ a loss for words...

My thoughts are all over the place lately... I can't seem to find the words to explain how I feel...

|P S|

My horoscopes lately are so crazy.... Here's today's:

"Your chart shows a lot of loving romantic energy today, but there is a bittersweet or sad edge to it. You may just be feeling a bit low, for reasons that have nothing to do with your love life, or you may be missing someone who has gone away for a short time..."

Coincidence??? Maybe...

P S

Random...

I talked to "him" today. Something it seems we never really do lately. (Well...via text anyway...) We've both come to the conclusion that our lives are going in different directions. We spend less time together & don't talk as much as we used to. I just sensed something...different. & I had to talk to him about it to see where his head was at. There are some things that I just can't bear the thought of anymore. Main one being, the constant wondering & the questions I keep asking myself. I guess I needed him to confirm what I already knew deep down. Some sort of...closure. We'll still remain friends of course & he'll always hold a special place in my heart. We have some really great memories together. I'd rather walk away from the situation with our friendship still intact, then with a cold heart & bitter feelings...

This was my horoscope for today. I found it funny so I thought I would share...

"Your love life is undergoing a metamorphosis that can have a great impact on your self-esteem. Your emotions are very intense now, but something isn't quite right. As much as you try to ignore the little things that could get in the way of more crucial concerns, there's a larger problem that might not be so easy to escape. Your determination to feel better about yourself can motivate you to find a way through this transformational period."

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I work in an office & in the dept I work in, we're all pretty close. Good friends; we've hung out outside of work. But if there's one thing I've noticed about working in a predominantly female atmosphere, is how absolutely catty some women can be. All smiles to your face but the minute you turn your back, they're flapping their jaws about you. I try to remain neutral. Don't get me wrong. There are some people I don't really care for & since I feel that way, I keep my distance & maintain a professional attitude. I try very hard NOT to fall into the category of people who are "two-faced", as I call it. I can't stand it. It makes me wonder what they might be saying behind MY back whenever I leave the room...

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I have so many things running thru my mind lately. I go to work & the day pretty much passes by me in a blur. Before I know it, I've worked more hours than I can count on my fingers & all I can think of at that point is my bed. I don't feel the same inside... Aside from a few tears I shed this morning during my conversation with "him", I've been numb. Not being able to be much of anything. Why am I feeling this way?... Now that's a post for another day... Tommorrow, even...

| P S |

Love or lust???

Has someone ever given you that butterfly feeling? The one where you can't eat anything because your stomach gets in knots whenever you come into close contact with that person no matter how many times you see them.??? That silly smile won't leave your face & you can't help but feel like you're on the verge on passing out???.... Ahhh well..... There has been one man in my life so far that has made me feel this way. Sadly, I don't think we will ever be together again.... Not as a couple anyway...

He is what you would call, a "ladies man". I don't think he'll ever be able to commit to just one person. His need to feel wanted by the opposite sex consumes him. Don't get me wrong.... He's a wonderful person. Sweet, kind, selfless, passionate, hardworking, driven... Yet his inability to stay.....faithful (???) will be one of his downfalls if he doesn't come to his senses.

What I'm beginning to realize about myself tho is that if I do not let him go, I am going to just make myself miserable. =/ We have remained friends even after being involved with one another for awhile. & although there is a mutual understanding of where we both stand with each other, it has done nothing to help me get over him & let go of my deep feelings for him. We fell somewhere between friends & being a couple after we broke up. (Get it?) But that seems to be coming to a halt & now all I'm left with are my feelings.... Feelings I wish I could just gather up & put through a shredder.

There's obviously more to the story & I'm probably being very vague about the situation but that sums it up... It gets a little easier everyday to deal with... Out of sight, out of mind??? NO....Not in my case.... Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with the feelings he gave me & haven't been able to let go of them since. So instead, I'm adjusting & taking from the experience, all that I've learned about myself & what he has taught me without realizing it.

Love??? Lust??? I don't really know... I'll just leave it as 'complicated'....for now....

| P S |

2008...

This year got off to a weird start... My life has already began it's transformation. Some friendships have begun to slowly fade into the background, new people have made their way into my life, & I'm learning something about myself that both makes me proud, yet scares me at the same time.

I know change can be a good thing & in my case, it is a VERY good thing. It's the wondering that always kills me. Constantly analyzing everything that occurs around me, every word that is said to me in certain tones & trying to figure people out.

It will be a miracle if I somehow manage to maintain my sanity throughtout it all...LOL (*sigh*)

| P S |