Nothing but pride...

I'm very proud of myself. I try not to talk about it too much but there are things I still deal with from having had the surgery. Eating is still the biggest one but all I do is take it a day at a time...

I've been very grateful for the support from my loved ones. I have noticed the lack of support from some people & it just makes me look at them in a different light. I'm not basing what I do in my life on other people's opinions but it hurts when the ones you thought would be the happiest for you, barely even acknowledge your accomplishments. 

It's all good though. ; )

I feel better about MYSELF in a health sense. I'm so glad I was able to drop that excess weight I've been carrying for the past few years. I'm back down to what I was back in h.s. & still losing. But now I'm trying to tone up & get more fit. I don't want to disappear. I just want to be healthy. (lol) Struggling a little with the mental though. When you drop a lot of weight, your body does show it & that's why it's so important to exercise because toning is huge when you lose a lot of weight. I get bummed out at times when I look at my naked body but I know that I just have to work hard at achieving the look I want my body to have.

It's weird though because although I KNOW I'm losing weight (I see the number on the scale decreasing) & I can it in the mirror....it doesn't really register at times. Like, my husband will go to pick me up, playing around & I automatically grab him tight because I'm so afraid he'll drop me cause I'm heavy. Or when I go shopping for clothes, I look at them (no lie) at least 5 times because I'm unsure it'll fit. So I'll try it on & it winds up being a little too big & I'm in disbelief. 

BUT....I've come a long way already & I'm doing alright, if I may say so myself. I'll continue to do what I have to do in order to achieve my goals & in the meantime...stay healthy my friends... ; )

| P S |

3 months post-op...

Well.....so far so good. To date, I've lost 74 lbs & still losing every week. : )

Things are starting to get better for me, in the physical sense. I was able to fix the problem I was having with swallowing my food. Turns out I have reflux (which I kind of figured since I know what that feels like) & so my doctor prescribed me medicine which was the BEST THING EVER. (lol) I've been able to eat "normally" which made me so happy, you have no idea. Popping 15 antacid tablets A DAY just to control the burning/heavy sensation in my chest was not fun & not exactly healthy for the long term. I say "normally" though because my surgeon said I'll never really be "normal" because I had bariatric surgery. My body underwent something major & my insides won't really be the same again.

I was trying to stick with going to my support groups but it was pointless. No one would show up whenever I went & so the only person to talk to would be the person directing the support group. Which is great because it gave me a chance to ask her some questions & tell her what I've been going through post surgery but it's not the same as talking to someone who has actually had the surgery too. Not so much that it was pointless, I guess, but it wasn't doing much for me. It sucks because I really do wish I knew someone who could really relate because they have had the same surgery done but unfortunately I don't. On top of that, the surgery I had done (sleeve gastrectomy) is still fairly new & not many people know of it.

I'm slowly starting to come around as far as accepting the fact that I even had the surgery done to begin with. The only time I get upset is when I have to eat. Your brain sees the food & wants to devour it but you can't because if you take too big of a bite, that's more chewing you'll be doing so it'll take even longer to eat. Soooo. Take. Your. Time.

Chew, chew, chew.

*sigh*

Between all the chewing & the amount of time it takes me to eat because I have to go at a slow pace, I sometimes want to scream. It's not so much WHAT I eat because I've been eating a lot better for the past 10 months now. (Although I've realized certain foods that I used to eat, don't sit in my stomach very well now so I stay away from them.) I'm proud of myself for eating better. It makes me feel good. I do miss the taste of certain things like soda...wine...coffee... All things that have a big imaginary stop sign on them for me. (lol)

But when I step on that scale, I remember why I did it in the first place... : )

| P S |

On the road to recovery...

Where do I begin?...

This past month has been an uphill battle. I've had to deal with some issues that arose after my surgery. One of them I should have taken care of a long time ago. Currently has to do with the fact that I have really bad post nasal drip as a result of my allergies. But the problem is, I have an issue with post nasal drip all year round, all the time & I never took the time to see an allergist about it. 

Now it has affected my swallowing which is partly why I'm still having some difficulty with eating certain foods. I'm treading lightly & doing my best to watch what I'm eating & how much. The quantity is nothing because I'm well aware I can't eat very much & I'm ok with that. It's more so not knowing what will go down & what won't. It gets a bit frustrating because I'm tired of getting sick & I try my best to avoid it. I still get nausea spells depending but I've gotten better. I try my best to keep what I ingest, down. Some days I'm good, others not so much.

I was starting to spiral downward, to be honest. Always used to being on the go & busy, the surgery basically made me put the brakes on everything & I've only recently began to move around like myself again & even feel like myself.

Unfortunately though, my mind & body are not in sync. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Doing my best to stay focused on the positive. I'm waiting to see a throat specialist at this point & just hoping there will be some result there but I don't want to get my hopes up. I've been relying on my faith to help get me through this because mentally it's taken a toll on me. 

Sometimes I get mad at myself because no matter how much pain I go through, I'll keep fighting. Whether it be physical pain or emotional pain. Something inside me will never ever let me give up on anything which is why I always keep pushing, no matter what. Cause I'll be damned if I let anything beat ME...

| P S |

Recovery...

Four days post surgery & I'm hanging in there. Unfortunately I had to leave the hospital with a catheter. No shame here. I had no choice. My insides were still a bit inflammed so it was making it difficult for me to move my bowels on my own. I'm supposed to see my doctor Tuesday to have it removed but I think they'll be hearing from me tomorrow because I cannot deal another day. 

It's been tough to go to sleep because of the steri-strips that are covering my incisions & the catheter doesn't help whatsoever. I'm constantly waking up because I'm having nightmares which I'm convinced is due to the medication they have me on. I had a horrible dream last night that I can't even describe because it was very disturbing...

Right before the surgery I weighed in at 211 pounds & then they weighed me the day after & the scale read 200 pounds! I couldn't believe it. I have yet to weigh myself since. I don't want to make a habit out of weighing myself & becoming too consumed with that. My focus right now is recovering so I can start to exercise again. My brand new treadmill is sitting downstairs in the basement just waiting to be used. Going to make good use out of the finished side of our basement & make a fitness area. Bought some new weights & a new yoga mat too. My husband has been wanting me to start doing yoga with him & I've become more interested in doing it so why not.

Right now I'm on what's considered "stage 2" of being post op so its liquids right now. For protein, I'm able to drink my Atkins Advantage shakes & for other liquids its water, fat free broth, sugar free popsicles & sugar free Jell-O. Already looking forward to "stage 3" which is pureed foods like applesauce & mashed potatoes. Very small portions of course but it's something to look forward to nonetheless. (lol)

I'm going to start taking photos of myself so I can keep a visual log of my weight loss. If there is anyone who has any questions or feedback or if there's someone who happens to come across my blog & wants to share their story, please free to do so. 

The support of my family & close friends has been very touching & has only helped to motivate me more. If I can help motivate someone out there, then I've done a great thing. 

2013 is going to be a year of change. Let's do it...

| P S |

FINALLY...

I did it! I made it through these two torturous weeks of nothing but liquid for food! (lol)

I'm really proud of myself though. I was ready to give up on the surgery, because I didn't think I could get through this pre-op thing, & just lose the weight on my own like I've been doing up until this point. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't give up. It's just not in my nature. Determination. Perseverance. THAT'S in my nature.

I went to my support group tonight. They recommend you go to it & it really does help to talk to people that are going through this weight loss journey as well. It definitely has helped me. Having the support of your friends & family is crucial. It's very different though when you talk to people who understand how your feeling & what you're dealing with because they're right there with you, going through it too.

Tomorrow is the big day though! My nerves are all over the place which is why I'm going to TRY to go relax & unwind. I just wanted to put out some last thoughts before surgery. The word 'surgery' & 'anesthesia' make me nervous but I know the man upstairs has my back & I'm going to be just fine. Wish me luck! : )

| P S |

Day 11...

In the home stretch now. Hasn't gotten any easier but I've become used to the fact that I should stay away from solid food. It has been a little upsetting though to hear that people actually "cheat" on the pre-op liquid diet.

When I had to purchase the shakes, I was given two meal tubs. Well, on Friday, I ran out of both of them & had to call the surgeons's office to buy at least another one to hold me till Wednesday which is the day of my surgery. My surgeon's M.A. told me that people must be cheating because no one has ever called to say they ran out.

.............

Are you serious? I'm not even putting in the recommended amount of scoops for the meal shakes. I put one less & I STILL ran out. Apparently people do "cheat" though. This stuff really doesn't do it for me so the feeling is obviously mutual for anyone having to do the liquid diet. I've heard people eat solid food all the way up until the day of their surgery & still have it done. Some people have meals even with the liquid (THAT makes no sense to me). Even post-op, some people are eating solid foods when you shouldn't be eating regularly again till a month after.

That's why a lot of times, the surgery ends up in failure because people think it's a temporary fix & they wind up putting the weight back on. It's supposed to be a gradual thing with eating solid foods again post-op so your body can heal & "feel normal" again. I probably sound mad because I'm following the rules & not "cheating". Not at all.

I'm the type of person, when it comes to my health, I don't mess around. So if my surgeon only wants me taking in fluids to have a successful surgery, that's what I'm going to do. I have no intentions of screwing up now. This liquid diet has only helped me to drop a few more pounds before I have surgery so it's benefiting me regardless.

3 more days! 

| P S |

Day 9...

Day 9 is here! But first, let me begin by saying...

Still hanging in there. It hasn't been easy. But I'm almost to my surgery day which is motivating & keeps me focused on finishing this pre-op liquid diet. I've been pretty good about avoiding being around food to avoid any temptations & so I don't get upset that I can't have anything right now. Only time I am dealing with food is when I cook for my family. They shouldn't starve just because I have to. (lol) 

On my lunch breaks at work, I don't even bother sitting in the break room. The smells drive me crazy anyway. So I sit at my desk & read my Nook there. Thank goodness I'm an avid reader because that has always been a de-stressor for me & it helps take my mind off everything. Staying busy is key. My coworkers have even been nice enough to avoid snacking around me. I told them not to worry about me because I never want to be an inconvenience to anyone but I do appreciate their consideration. This really takes a lot of willpower & I'm definitely going to look back on this & be proud of myself for staying strong throughout the two weeks.

Almost there & going strong! 5 more days baby!

| P S |

Day 6...

& not doing so well... Well...not feeling so great...

I've just been really down about this liquid diet business. I don't think I realized how hard not being able to touch solid food for two weeks would be. Ever since I was feeling really crappy on day 2 of the diet, I've been okay. Physically, as in not feeling sick. Mentally? Not so good. I'm ready to throw in the towel as far as the surgery goes.

I'm conflicted between continuing to lose the weight on my own which I know I can do by continuing to eat as well as I do & exercising often. Or going through with the liquid diet so I can have the surgery since I've come this far. I'm not one to give up on anything. I'm like that with almost everything in my life & I just feel like I'm letting not only my family down, but MYSELF, by not going through with surgery. In all reality, I don't HAVE to do the surgery but I just can't see myself NOT doing it. (See the conflict here?)

Thankfully, my husband & my sisters have been an awesome support system for me. They know I can tackle this weight loss with or without the surgery so they remain neutral & just allow me to vent my frustrations. I realize my support group is important for this reason so I'll be attending a meeting next week which will be the day before my surgery. I googled support groups for the VBG surgery & found a great one. It's so nice to talk to people that understand what you're going through & are having the same feelings. It makes me feel less alone & helps me to find the inner strength to get through it.

It may sound easy & you're probably thinking "Well you wanted this." But it's not just that. It takes a lot of willpower to not be able to eat ANYTHING, just drink these shakes that make you want to swear off chocolate for the rest of your life.

But I've got 8 more days to go. Such a small number.... *sigh* I know I can do this. I know I can. & as much it sucks.....I just CAN'T GIVE UP...

| P S |

Day 3...

Day 3 of my liquid diet & it is not easy...

The first day was tough because it was my first time tasting the stuff & so I wasn't sure what to expect. I've never made my own protein shakes or smoothies so this is new to me. I have to consume 2 meal shakes, one fiber shake & one protein shake in a day. The drinks I made were a bit on the thick side & it made it very very difficult for me to drink. I was literally gagging & it took all my willpower to just swallow the stuff. 

Yesterday, which was day 2, was not good for me. I tried adding some water to each one this time in order to thin it out & that helped. The surgeon did warn me that I may feel more tired than usual because of not consuming any solid food & that I would most likely get headaches also. Well, on my way to work yesterday morning, I started to feel the beginnings of a headache & so when I got to work, I asked one of my coworkers for some Tylenol. Didn't help whatsoever because I started to feel worse as the day went on. I didn't make it very far though because by 11:00 a.m., I had to ask my boss to go home. I felt weak, my head was pounding, I had the shakes & I felt very nauseous. I didn't want to throw up though because I didn't want my body to lose the nutrients I was getting from the liquid. Since I can't have solid food, I won't be able to eat crackers or soup to make myself feel better if I vomit. So I held off for as long as I could. Went home & laid down to try & sleep off the nasty feelings. I was okay for about 2 hours & then it just came up. 

I called my surgeon's office & spoke with a nurse who told me that I shouldn't be feeling that way & that maybe I was coming down with something. Ummm.....NO. I know my body & I'm feeling this way because I went from eating food to just drinking it. Basically what I got from the call was, either you drink this stuff for 2 weeks or you can't do the surgery because this is vital to the surgery being successful.

*sigh*

I was bothered by her lack of sympathy but whatever. Getting through these two weeks is what matters right now. This is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. I don't want to smell foods or even be around it because the temptation is there. This stuff isn't appetizing either, not even with the fruit I've put in it so I feel like a robot. Just going through the motions & counting the days. Trying to stay occupied so my mind doesn't wander to the hunger pangs I slightly feel.

This is temporary though & I just have to get through it. I just keep repeating to myself, "Mind over matter."

Mind over matter...

| P S |

A new beginning...

Once I realized what I wanted to do about my weight loss, I set out to do something about it...

I looked up a doctor's office that I knew of very well & made an appointment to see a surgeon about bariatric surgery. There are three different types: Lap Band, Vertical Banded Gastroplasty (VBG) & Gastric Bypass. My interest was in the lap band when I first went there because I was unaware of the VBG procedure & didn't want to go too extreme with a gastric bypass. So after doing my own research & learning about the VBG procedure through my surgeon, also known as the sleeve gastrectomy, I decided to go with it.  

I would go through a 6 month process in which I would meet with a nutritionist monthly & have changes made to my eating habits. It was amazing how, just by changing what I ate, the amount of weight I started to lose. I started to feel better & have more energy. So I started to incorporate exercising into my routine & the pounds really started to come off. I went from a size 22 to a size 16 & lost 27 pounds. Not only did I start to feel good physically, but mentally as well because I started feeling a lot better about myself. 

Part of the process also included seeing a psychiatrist to make sure that I was prepared to deal with having the surgery. I had made a lifestyle change & they needed to make sure I was prepared to continue doing the right things to achieve a healthy weight loss. The next step was meeting with my primary care physician & having the necessary testing done to be cleared for surgery. Lastly; meeting with my surgeon & getting the green light from him. Which I got because I had proven I could lose the weight, eat right & exercise. Once I had gone through all of that, all that was left was approval from the health insurance company...

APPROVED!

I had my two pre-op appointments yesterday & I have to begin a liquid diet. This has to begin two weeks prior to surgery when having the sleeve gastrectomy done. The reason for this is because, in the two weeks only liquid is being consumed, it helps to shrink the organs & allows the surgeon room to complete the procedure.

I received everything needed for this yesterday & today was day one for me. Let's just say, this is going to be the longest two weeks of my life.... *sigh*

| P S |

Decisions, decisions...

Making the decision to really focus on my weight loss was the best decision I could have made. It's been a long time coming. I've struggled with my weight for many years now. Since my last serious relationship, really. & being with someone who constantly makes remarks about your weight gain & your appearance can either push you to work the weight off....or it can make you feel worthless & tear you down inside... Unfortunately for me, it tore me down & it took me a very long time to pick myself back up. 

But here I am; 6 years later, married, blessed with an adorable little girl & ready to get healthy. It's tough when you're not sure where to begin or how to go about it. Which is why I decided to pursue seeing a nutritionist & whatnot. (But that story is for another post.) I really had to decide what I wanted to do when I just kept getting very down & out every time I looked in the mirror. 

Clothes not fitting right or not being able to find my size in something that I loved. It effected me mentally in a big way & it was ruining my state of mind. It was just becoming too much of an effort to constantly smile & pretend I was fine when inside I was so sad because I felt like the ugliest & fattest person in the room. At one point, I decided to just accept who & what I am & just move on. I'd feel okay for a bit & not give a you-know-what about anything anyone had to say. Then I'd go try on a new dress & I'd be right back at square one. Depressed. Sad. Picking out every flaw on my body. Beating myself up for being fat. 

FAT. 

I hate that word so much, I can't even begin to tell you. I became TIRED & FED UP with feeling that way. So I did what needed to be done & here I am. 25 pounds lighter, still losing, eating a lot better & feeling DAMN GOOD about myself. 

Me losing this excess weight isn't just for me. It's for my daughter & my husband. I want to show her that if you put your mind to something, you can do it. I want to live a long life so I can grow old with my husband. I want to be able to see my daughter graduate & go to college. I want to be able to retire & look back at my achievements. I can't do that if I wind up with an illness attributed to being overweight. 

I made the decision to get healthy. & it was the best decision I ever made...

| P S |